My son likes pink

The blog post, My son is gay, by Cop's Wife at Nerdy Apple Bottom, is about a boy who wanted to dress like Daphne from Scooby Doo, and how his mother stood up to other disapproving mothers at his Christian school. I liked it for several reasons. First, kudos to the son who knew exactly what he wanted to dress up as for Halloween. This holiday is exactly about dressing up as whoever you want to be. And, second, kudos to the mother for telling others that just because he dressed up as Daphne doesn’t mean he is gay. But if he were gay, it wouldn’t matter anyways.

As parents, we have not taught our son very much about girl things versus boy things. He is very interested in cars and trucks and trains, which are typically boyish interests. However, he has a stuffed pink poodle as part of his stuffed animal menagerie. And he still enjoys grooming with the pink Barbie comb and mirror that he got with a McDonalds Happy Meal when they were out of boy toys. His favorite drinking cup at home is the pink cup from a multi-color set we have.

In fact, my son really likes pink, and we have told him, it's okay to like pink. It's a nice, happy color!

The only time I’ve ever discouraged him from something gender specific was when we were shopping for a new swim suit this last summer. We were at Costco, probably buying diapers in bulk, when we passed a table with swim suits for young children. There were two choices:

1. Pink and yellow girls’ swimsuit with big fish on the top, smaller fish design on the bottom.
2. Blue and green boys’ swimsuit with big surfboards on the shirt and smaller surfboard design on the trunks.
   

Which one do you think my son preferred? It was the girls’ swimsuit. He was drawn to it because of the fish motif. He enjoys looking at pictures of fish, and singing the Slippery Fish song. He’s never even seen a surfboard before, so why would he want that?

I talked him out of the girls swimsuit by telling him it was, in fact, a girls’ swimsuit, and it might not fit him right. He went with the boys' swimsuit without much fuss.

Did I feel guilty about it? Just a little. I wasn’t sure if the girls’ swimsuit would fit him, but I also had the fear of what other people, particularly parents, would say. Yes, I felt guilty about the fear I had.

This Halloween, I marveled at the girls dressed up as Woody and Buzz Lightyear. But I didn’t see any boys dressed up in girl costumes. I aspire to be fearless like Cop’s Wife and let my son be a kid and have fun no matter how he is dressed, or what color he prefers.

Kids get it: “Where’s your other mommy?”

As recent as 5 years ago, a study revealed that Generation Y (people in their 20s typically) is rather tolerant and open-minded about gay people. But as the current media obsession with gay and bullied youth committing suicide shows, we still need to make progress in acceptance of LGBT people. In the last several days, I’ve read about blatant hatred at sporting events that involved younger people. Both of these stories amazed me and disgusted me.

After days and days of reading depressing anti-gay news, I find myself still hopeful. I read about organizations like the Trevor Project, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, and the NOH8 Campaign, to name just a few, and I feel much more hopeful about the future ahead for my son and his generation. Other organizations that I have just learned about in the last week, the Make It Better Project and GroundSpark, are finding ways for young people to work together to fight hatred and homophobia.

And I’m still even more hopeful for kids that are my son’s age. Just yesterday, I was sick and asked D to take our little man to school (I’m usually the one who does drop offs). D told me that one of our son’s classmates came up to him with a concerned look and asked, “Where’s your other mommy?” In his two and three year old group, they understand that families come in all different shades, and varieties, and are not bothered in the least that our son has two mommies. I am hopeful that this attitude will continue to grow and become the norm for his generation.

Tomorrow, October 20, 2010, is Spirit Day, and all are encouraged to wear purple to remember those lives lost and to show support for LGBT and straight youth. I will be wearing purple tomorrow. Will you?

Living truthfully

This past week, the online world was abuzz with the coming out of a country star. At first, I thought, who is Chely Wright? After visiting her MySpace page, I then realized that I had actually heard of a couple of her songs, but didn't really know who she was. She is not as big a name as Shania Twain or Dixie Chicks, and I only listen to country casually while scanning through stations on the radio, but she is an artist who has seen a few of her songs on the charts, and is well known by country music fans. And it has been interesting reading the reactions online. I think about 98% of Chely's Twitter and Facebook responses are positive. And the 2% that complained were questioned by the other fans, why are you following Chely on Twitter or Facebook? But there are also bloggers and commenters that speculate that this is all a publicity stunt. After all, it isn't coincidence that she has a CD and book coinciding with her coming out, right? Well, if you are a country music star, I don't think declaring to the whole world that you are gay is what most people would do to sell records.

But beyond the initial reports of her coming out, which mostly seemed like regurgitation of the same news printed on the People magazine website, I did read a handful of her interviews, and I was extremely touched by her story. I cried as I read them because I felt her pain. This is someone who lived so far in the closet, she was in the sheetrock, as she describes it, and was driven to such despair that she almost killed herself. She is someone who tried, like so many others, to pray away the gay. And this touched me.

I knew at a very young age that I was different, but I couldn't put a word to it. As I was going through puberty, I came to the realization that I liked girls. But being inexperienced at life and love as a teenager, I just assumed that I was bisexual. And I knew hiding this would be for my own benefit and survival. I didn't choose this. I didn't really want to be gay, and for a while, I did pray every day for God to take this away from me. I finally realized that God was okay with me as I was. And then I became comfortable with who I am, and being gay. I decided that I would try to be straight and fit in the straight world the best I could. I pretended to have crushes on guys in junior high, and dated a few guys in high school and college. I made the decision that I was bisexual, and I tried to fall in love with a man. But it never worked out, and I never found Mr. Right. It was in college that I started dating women as well, and eventually discovered that I was really, really gay.

I fully came out of the closet as a lesbian at age 37, when I was expecting our son. I've been out to family and close friends for a long time, but I have lived most of my professional life in the closet. Once I got pregnant, my partner and I knew that there was no turning back, that we would be forthcoming to everyone. It was not an easy thing to do, as it was not a political statement for me. There were personal reasons over a whole lifetime, from religion to survival, as to why I stayed in the closet for so long. I think this is something that is easily forgotten by most people. When you actually come out, it is a process that you go through, learning to be honest with yourself, and then you have to have the courage to be honest with everyone else.

Thousands of times over my life, I have come out as a lesbian. I will probably continually need to do this. Unless you are someone really famous like Ricky Martin, you have to come out over and over. Many people assume I am straight, in the same way I assume they are. I don't advertise that I'm gay by wearing pink triangles or waving a rainbow flag, and it is not a main topic of conversation for me. Nowadays, I usually come out during conversations about kids, when people ask me about my husband, or if I'm married. And then I reassure them they shouldn't feel awkward or embarrassed about making assumptions that I'm married to a man. As a mother, I have to fill out forms and cross out "Father" and put "Other mother". Anyone who cares for my son at his daycare knows he has two mommies.

Now that I am out 100%, living truthfully, I do feel much better about myself. It is mentally exhausting to have to lie and hide all of the time. Without that constant mental and emotional drain, I am a much happier person. I hope Chely Wright, and others who have come out, experience this same sense of relief. I watched some of her video blogs on YouTube, and could detect a certain sadness in a few of the older posts. She is so down-to-earth, you just want to give her a hug and tell her it will be alright. Her latest post-coming-out video blog revealed a happier person. Hopefully she also knows that she has a whole new audience and new fans who respect and admire what she has done. I know I am a new fan, eagerly awaiting her new CD and book to arrive in my mailbox.

Blogging for LGBT Families Day 2009

The actual "Blogging for LGBT Families Day 2009" was yesterday, but we have been taking care of sick toddler since Sunday. And that is how it is for us. We are two women in love, partners for many years, who decided a few years ago to start our own family. I didn't start this blog until our son was about 6 months old, but I'm glad to be part of the blogging community. I don't feel like I have much wisdom to share, but just the common experience of being a parent, and lesbian parents at that, makes the world feel a little smaller. I actually started this blog last year so our families could see photos and videos of our son growing up, but it has turned into much more. I have friends from all over that tell me they love seeing the little man grow up.

I'm not as political as I probably should be, so, I don't really write that much about that topic here. But I am proud to be living in this day and age, where we are on the tipping point of acceptance and equal rights. I don't know if D and I will ever get married, but it is so important from a legal perspective. And in living in Texas, without even same-sex domestic partnership recognition here, it is so important for us that other states can achieve these milestones in equality.

Politics aside, we are definitely a family. We are both mommies. Sure, our family is a little different. But we are proud parents, and eager to whip out the photos to anyone that asks. There are days where we say, I can't believe we have a son! He is a miracle to us. And for me, though our life has changed so much with the little man, it feels like this is how it always should have been for us, now that we have him.